Published in the December 2014 issue

I. Preemption


Applicable scenario: Oncoming politicking, e.g., Mom mentions "gun nuts" near one's red-state in-laws.

Execution: "Nothing's cookie-cutter," says Lt. Col. David Osterman, division chief of the Capabilities and Requirements Division of the Department of Defense's Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate. But unless hostility is apparent when first encountering a threat to cheer, employ a "hail-and-warn system," giving the target notice to halt. If one too quickly escalates when the threat was unintended, he is, Osterman says, "likely going to agitate," turning himself into a threat.

II. Disablement


Applicable scenario: Oblivious ruination of a childhood, e.g., a disrobed "Santa" might enter the sight line of a believing six-year-old.

Execution: If a target continues his approach—displaying potential hostility or perilous ignorance—consider pain compliance. Although, as the DOD writes, the intent is to "incapacitate targeted personnel … immediately," all damage done must be temporary. If within reach, one may engage a subject manually, perhaps by applying pressure points. As Osterman says, "Sometimes pain is necessary to stop a situation [and maintain cheer]."

III. Mediation


Applicable scenario: Argumentation, e.g., Aunt Linda expresses her opinion of Uncle Tony's new girlfriend's enhancements.

Execution: When acting as a "moderator" for two adversaries, Maj. Christina Fanitzi, a military-intelligence officer who teaches courses on leadership and negotiation at West Point, says, "It's important that they hear each other's interests." Apply "the three skills": inquiry (into reasoning), acknowledgment (of reasoning), advocacy (of a mutually beneficial solution). This aims to ensure the solution is not compromised by "emotion," a toxic substance.

IV. Evacuation


Applicable scenario: Someone must be removed with discretion, e.g., a freshman-in-college cousin overspikes his or her eggnog to the point of illness.

Execution: Fanitzi says: "Everything you do should look natural. Would [the military] ever try to conceal our actions in the desert by building a tree line? No." Which is to say: Camouflage one's (or a team's) escape with the natural happenings of a gathering, perhaps by deploying (feigned) cheer itself. Refrain from attracting attention, which might, Fanitzi explains, "make your actions harder to recover from."

V. Surrender


Applicable scenario: Chaos, e.g., one's brother, drunk off his special Red-Nosed Reinbeer drink—light beer, maraschino cherries, and raw egg—attempts to use the concoction and a menorah to fire-breathe, becomes indignant when his apology goes unaccepted, secludes himself in the bathroom, taking with him all the marginally misshapen sugar cookies that one's child had labored over all morning, which, upon observing, the brother derides by shouting, "Nothing's cookie-cutter!"

Execution: Relent. And consider that cheer may, in fact, reside in mayhem itself.