Permit me to revise and extend my remarks from yesterday regarding Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey, the putative Republican frontrunner for president in 2016, and, apparently, nothing but a delicate feather in the wind, buffeted in his professional life by the machinations of the web of scoundrels and liars with whom he innocently had surrounded himself, and the innocent victim, always, of the traps and snares of others. I admit, I was somewhat dismissive of the impact of the obvious political morass into which Big Chicken had been led by the people in whom he had so naively trusted never, ever, to lie to him. But now, after two days of this, I have seen a number of things that have caused me to change my mind. First of all, yesterday morning, on MSNBC, while still confessin' their love for the big, trusting lug, Squint and the Meat Puppet admitted that the revelations regarding the low-rent ratfking of the George Washington Bridge -- And can we stop calling it the GWB scandal, please. Those initials next to the word "scandal" still remain redundant. -- had given them pause about his national ambitions. Second, Sokolich, the mayor of Fort Lee, is really good on television. And then, finally, and most important, I spent a couple of hours watching his bop-til-you-drop press conference this morning, and I came to the following conclusion.
What a fking poltroon.
He was the only victim here. Reading the smoking-gun e-mails, he felt "sad and betrayed" in his pajamas yesterday. (And, again, governor, please do not ever put that image in my head again and how is it that he hadn't slept in 36 hours if he only learned about this yesterday morning?) He doesn't know how this disloyal brood of vipers that he hired got the idea that he would be open to some indiscreet political bullying, because he doesn't think he's created a climate of bullying in his administration, hasn't given that much thought at all because he's spent all the time thinking about how he had come to such a terrible pass, his trust betrayed by Bridget Kelly, the Machiavellette who blindsided the poor dear. Under the bus, acushla. There's still plenty of room.
And he didn't even know David Wildstein in high school! He was too busy being the BMOC.
The basic theme of the press conference was that Big Chicken was responsible for one thing and one thing only -- of trusting people who preyed on his well-known innocence and his extensively documented and deeply held faith in his fellow human beings. Hell, he didn't even know the mayor of Fort Lee's name! He searched his soul and that's what he came up with -- he, Chris Christie, was sold down the river and, because he, Chris Christie was sold down the river, the people of New Jersey, embodied by him, were also betrayed. He was humiliated. He was deceived. What a world it is when a man cannot trust the hacks whom he appoints to serve him. Jesus H. Christ in the HOV lane, Nixon threw Haldeman and Ehrlichman out the windows with more compassion and fellow feeling than Christie demonstrated yesterday.
He apologized to the people in Fort Lee for allowing this passel of Judases to do these terrible things to him. How, he asked, could they possibly look at him berate schoolteachers and reporters and act like a general jackass throughout his political career and think he possibly could sit still for such obvious thuggery? He was a maverick. He works with both sides. He took an oath. Why is he the only honest man in this whole mess? It's a heavy burden he carries, a lonely road he walks, but he will do it on behalf of the people of New Jersey for what he's done to them by allowing such terrible, awful, horrible things to be done to him. "This was the job I asked for, and I gotta do it!" What a man is this. Stay under the damn bus, Bridget.
He may not be done. He stood there for a very long time, and he took every question and that's going to count for a lot among his fans in the green rooms who, so far, have been wary but not entirely condemnatory. (However, his clumsy tap-dancing around whether or not there actually was a traffic study leads one to believe that there's something else floating around still.) He mouthed all the right spells and incantations -- He actually said, "Mistakes were made" several times -- that cause them to lose their critical faculties and swoon over "straight talk." They might be able to sell that to a dozing nation. (Researchers refer to this as Dementia McCainianus.) On the other hand, the Feds are now sniffing around seriously -- If Homeland Security really considers this a national security event, all bets are off. -- and I think the next meeting of the Republican Governors Association, which Big Chicken chairs, and which is chock-a-block with his potential political rivals -- Hi, Scottie! -- ought to be very interesting.
But the simple fact is that Big Chicken remains a bully, and now he stands exposed as a coward, as most bullies are, and an entirely self-centered cad. "You need to understand this," he said. "I am resolved to do the job, but I am a very sad person today. A person I gave a high public office betrayed me. I might get angry later. But I am a sad person today."
In so goddamn many ways.
UPDATE: David Wildstein at the moment is in front of a legislative committee, and he is taking the Fifth on every question including, I believe, his name. Not good.
Charles P Pierce is the author of four books, most recently Idiot America, and has been a working journalist since 1976. He lives near Boston and has three children.
