What You Should Know for College

1. Don't be the kid who packed a six-foot bong.

2. In the beginning, if you want to meet people, leave your dorm room door open and play some music.

3. You are allowed to stand and announce: "It's time for everyone to leave."

4. Later, you'll learn when to keep the door closed. You can opt not to answer a knock, unless it is accompanied by verbage indicating a university official is outside the door.

5. Your roommate doesn't have to be your best friend. It's better if he's someone who is easy to live with.

6. Every person who ever went to college has a memorable story about their first roommate. Usually it doesn't involve lifelong friendship.

7. If there's a water battle in your dorm hallway, close your door and stuff a towel in the bottom crack.

8. The top bunk is better even though you have to climb—visitors always sit on the bottom bunk.

9. Bring a folding chair, a bean bag or some large pillows to school. There's never enough room to sit in a dorm room.

10. If you lend someone something, don't expect to get it back any time soon… or at all.

11. If you lend money to a friend, say $5, don't ask for the money back. The following week, if it remains unpaid, ask to borrow $6.

12. Allow your roommate to use the room with his girlfriend in the afternoon or evening. You are not obligated to sleep in the community room. How long does it take, anyway?

13. Do NOT complete the circle of gossip. If you hear something about someone, don't repeat it to them. Just keep it to yourself and use the information to find out more, tee hee.

14. Stay away from girls who need to be saved. Usually, it's themselves from whom they need to be saved.

15. At dorm meetings, don't be the one who always talks. Be the one who only speaks up when something important needs to be said. After that, people will start to listen.

16. A guy can be an asshole but still be a great guy.

17. Your college professor won't think as highly of your writing skills as your parents, your friends, and your high school English teacher.

18. If you study in your room instead of in the library, you'll save hours of commuting/socializing time.

19. Go to class. Know the teacher. Nod your head during lectures to show you're interested. Participate in discussions. Take notes. Many of the A's I received in college were really more like B plusses. An early lesson: there can be more to grades, and life, than just raw numbers. The Fudge Factor is very important.

20. Wash your jeans inside out. Take them out of the dryer a little early while they are still slightly damp and fold and smooth and lay them on top of the hot dryer.

21. Take a small tool box with standard stuff. Hammer, screwdriver, pliers, box cutter (in case you're in a horror movie?), scissors, tape measure. Every man needs a tool box. Manhood officially begins now.

22. Before you start trying all the restaurants in the area, please try to use up your meal plan money and extra bucks on pre-paid food cards. Some of the stuff doesn't roll over.

23. College kids are always rundown and sick. Wash your hands. Use hand sanitizer. Take your vitamins. Sleep. Eat well. Swap spit only when necessary. Run the lighter around the mouth of the shared bong. A ZPac (a five day antibiotic treatment of azithromycin) is included in your box of meds. Consult me before using.

24. Twenty one pairs of socks and twenty one pairs of underwear.

25. Of course separate your whites.

26. Let the water fill the washer a little bit before you add your liquid soap. After you see bubbles start adding your clothes.

27. When you go to college, you're starting over. You are able to make a new first impression, to be considered the type of person you project.

28. You don't want to be known for the next four years as that kid puking in the hallway.

29. Remember: everybody is scared and unsure about what's next, and everybody employs a different façade to hide this behind.

30. Even though you've taken all those fancy AP courses that have contributed to your inflated 4.6 average, start out taking basic courses. Every college professor knows that AP courses do not a college course make. Most entering students (non-genius types) are not prepared for higher level courses. And it's very hard to pull up a shitty grade point average. Get a 2.0 first semester and see where you end up.

31. Take the basics, settle in, figure things out. College is about so much more than the courses. The courses are basically the busy work they give you to do while you're growing up.

32. Don't be in such a rush, you have four years in front of you.

33. Hopefully college will open your mind, help you identify some area of interest, and maybe even teach you a skill. But college will not get you a job. Unless you're planning on grad school, college needs to be a gateway to internships. Start thinking about internships by the end of your sophomore year, as you're thinking about majors. Plan to do a number before you graduate. Maybe you won't like the first. (Before I interned for an alt weekly newspaper and caught the writing bug, I interned for a lawyer.) Use your internships to build upon one another. Once you're looking for a job, nobody gives a shit about your GPA, your Phi Beta Kappa, and your other Greek letters. In fact, they make you look young. And inexperienced. Employers want to know where you've worked before. They don't care that your frat raised money for underprivileged kids. In many fields, the classic Catch-22 of experience/opportunity is negated by internships.

34. Oven roasting bags. Found in the supermarket. A simple knot will contain any and all dank or skunky smells.

35. The large size oven roasting bags are big enough to hold a discrete, 12-inch bong.

36. But don't forget to empty the water before you put it away, knucklehead!

37. Try not to binge drink. What is so cool about blacking out and acting stupid? I let you watch Real World all those years for a reason.

38. Put a jimmy on it.

39. I'll have my phone with me 24/7. Call me any time, for any reason. At home or away, I will always be your dad.